I suddenly feel like I'm the butcher in the game "Knights and Merchants" ( I think my bro is the only one in the whole world who knows about this ancient game, other than myself)... Anyway, like the butcher who produces 3 sausages every once in a while, I producing 3 boxes of carrot cake in 1 hour, ready to be eaten for the next 2 days. It was a pretty amusing sight to see the 3 tupperware stacked one on top of the other, and packed away. It's really sooo like Knights and Merchant. And to make it even more similar, I actually didn't have any for dinner, just like that butcher. There's food there for him to consume when he's hungry, but he still goes to the inn for food. Alright, probably those in the know will understand what I'm saying.

Was again, reflecting over the past years. I thought of how much I have gone through to become what I am today. Who were the ones who became the factor of my evolution. Who are the ones who are truly interested in what I was doing. Who are the ones who'd really do it with me. Who are my buddies, my friends and my acquaintances.

On the note of friendship, it really has become a distant feeling when someone actually does something with me. My primary school days. I remember I had 2 friends whom I always hang around with. Those were the TAF club days, the soccer days... Secondary school. The only 2 things sufficiently significant to impact me were those monstrous wushu and soccer days.

Going on to JC, which was the most happening then. I could remember my buddy was the one who was interested in making up lyrics for that 分享 song to be used during Orientation concert. He was so dedicated, and that was unparalleled even till this day. Of course, much things happened in the JC days to be written down on this short journal. Sweet fond memories. Mass dance, for example.

Army... bleah.

After army was a short period at AIA. Nothing really much, but still there're memories. People, however, have faded away in time.

Of course there was a concurrent period that went through army and AIA to college, and that was when I was with my first love. Much memories, good and bad. But somehow, over time, only the sweet ones remain, which is pretty nice I guess. She was also one of the few who was actually interested in what I was doing. Alright, not totally, but it's sufficient.

Onwards to college. Much things happened too, good and bad. Met a number of nice people. But somehow it wasn't the same feeling as JC. Jo was the most enthusiastic one, and probably the only who's interested in what I liked to do. Or in the least, she was the camera-girl of my first MTV. There's a bunch of others, but she's the most enthusiastic. It was fun, but still nothing compared to my JC days. Perhaps it's because there wasn't much time during college to actually have fun, or I have lost the meaning of "fun".

Primary School through college, I have met many people, and parted with many. There are only a few whom I keep regular contact with, only a few whom I meet up with occasionally, and many who have faded in time. Oh well, perhaps when I return to sg for good, some will return. Then again, one really does not need to have too many friends, just a few who really understands one will suffice, cos those are the few who have the ability to add joy to your life.

I looked at the struggles I've gone through for the past 17 years. The start wasn't exactly interesting. The interesting part actually only started in Secondary Four, when the wushu team and I battled to overcome training, performances, competition and studies. There were so many things to do. Performances and competition only ended a couple months before the O levels. Parents were screaming away everytime there's training or performance. But in the end, I survived.

JC was next. That load of information alone was sufficient to cause insanity. In addition to that and similar to Secondary school days, performances and training sessions joined in the fun. But I survived.

If JC was bad, college was worse, and each year was worse than its previous. I joined the Schoofs Competition the first year I went in, and that almost killed me as I had to adapt to the new environment, make my own meals, study and work on the competition. Because that was my first competition, there were a lot of bureaucracy involved amidst the heavy school work.

The second year was worse. In addition to the Schoofs competition, my second year was loaded with full credits of almost entirely engineering courses. And for those who doesn't know, one engineering course equates to one homework a week. Taking 5 engineering courses means 5 pieces of homework a week, and that means one homework a day. And not forgetting, the classes are tougher than the first year. Yes, on top of that, is the competition.

The third year was the climax. It's as though it's the finale to wrap up my college education. School work was slightly lighter with 16 credits a semester, and less homework a week, but much tougher classes. And that lighter load was quickly taken up by the presidential role in SSA. Of course, not forgetting my dear competition, which I went for a third time. In addition to these, I was teaching my friends driving, 2.5 of them to be exact.

Yes, despite all these, I survived.

I was amazed at how much energy I had then, how I could focus my energy on things which I wanted to achieve, how I managed to pull through all the ordeals of the past. I wonder how could I bring out that kind of energy I had, onto what I want to accomplish now. Does having no deadline means that vibrant energy is being suppressed? Is it because I have fought so much for so long that I'm really jaded? Is my body taking that rest now, so that it can start churning when it needs to? Will I survive, like I have done in the past? If only I could churn that energy out, and focus it on my ideals... if only. I wonder when will that be, cos only then, I will succeed. There is only one chance, and only one.