Somehow, somewhere, something just punctured any remaining ego that i have left now. I think it's even more deflated than the bicycle rubber tubing that i have in that corner of my room which i have not yet disposed of after changing my first punctured tire and getting my hands dirty. Oh well... really need something to build up my confidence again... Maybe bro has some ideas to assist me with that :P...

Am actually deciding whether I should take up the Schoofs competition again this time. Am really hesitant about that as I felt pretty ridiculed the last time, even though no one actually said or implied. It's just me. Anyway, I didn't really put in much effort on that though, so I wasn't really expecting anything. But it's actually not that bad, as I was alone and even if I flopped, it's just me only.

The recent transformer one was the worst. The phobia always surfaces whenever I think about my causing of my team to slide down one or two grades. Plus that's a really basic thing all electrical engineers should know. The consolation part is perhaps the fact that I had an AB for it and so employers won't possibly know how sucky I am. But that's not the point! I really want to know the correct way to design one! gah!

Another alternative to Schoofs is joining the Future Energy Challenge Team. Think it's possibly more useful to join that one, but unless I got over my phobia, I'd probably cause the downfall of the whole team, which is not good at all as the team always got into the finals every year. Plus, I know the team leader, and he knows how I flopped my transformer design. Gah... Why is this world so damn small! But within me I know that while I'm definitely not a good leader, I'm a good follower without doubt. arrgh!

I once read from the hypnosis self help book which I bought for my officer. Inside which states that you are what your subconscious believes in. Now I think that's really true, and I could feel the tremendous power it wields. I think that's the very reason why I'm feeling so down these few weeks. Whenever I open my eyes, I could see the invisible word "Loser" dancing around. My heart could sense the surrounding air of inferiority. When I look back at my posts, I realized how negative they were. When was the last time I had a real success? When will the key which will re-open the closed door and release the real inner me? That is really strangling my flow of creativity and inspiration I once had. It has held back lots of stuff which I'd otherwise have shot out with my more open and direct nature in the past. This is the very same thing that happened to me in J1, for reasons I shall not disclose. I thought I've already recovered from it, but apparently there's a relapse... I am afraid... afraid of this world... afraid of living... My heart shivers... and I shiver together with it (perhaps also due to the fact that it's 11 deg outside and I'm in t-shirt and shorts)... I yearn for the end of all these fears... When will that day come?

Perhaps I'm just too affected by everything that's happening around me. What can I do? I wish I wouldn't be like that. I've already forcefully hardened myself to a lot of things... but yet im innately soft... and swaying like the flag in the winds...

Alright I think my readers, if there's anymore, are getting sick of all my negative posts. Well, I promise you guys,the next time I post, it shall be the time I'm getting out of this trench. Else I won't post at all... But probably it shall take quite some time before it ever gets better... shall go sleep now... Perhaps the one who knows me best, comforts me most and keeps me going until now is the blue thing...But also many hugs to the one who stood by me to steal my blue thing. Love you lotzzz... Cute Elmo!!!