The past few days have been spent in indulgence. Playing Warlords IV and watching si4 da4 ming2 bu3 from day till night. It's been a really really long time since the last time i'm able to perform such craziness... Really, a long time... Reminds me of my happy childhood days, when i used to play romance of the 3 kingdom and bandit king with my brothers... or Super Mario or Mario Brothers on nintendo... Except that I did not shit this time before playing... *dangz*... (only my bro noes this) Anyway, those were the days... Gone, and forever left only as a memory... Things really do change and are always changing and never remain the same ever again... Why? Why do things change? Why do times change? Perhaps... perhaps it's just because of growing up... Or perhaps... problems are all along around us all the time, just that I was too young to notice it then... Or perhaps my parents have sheltered me from all these problems... Thank you dad, thank you mom, thank you grandma, thank you everyone who made my childhood days such a nice and memorable one...

Really dunno why am i suddenly thinking of this... but recent activities really triggered the young kid within myself... Playing com all day... Watching vcds all night... Laying on bed and doing nothing but just thinking about the past... Reminding me of the young innocent past... where no responsibilities is shouldered... Expectations were clear then... They were given by my parents... Just be good and do well in studies... Simple and clear cut... Times are different now... Now that I've grown up... Expectations are no longer given by parents... Because they know that I'll do well in studies... I may not be the best, or get perfect score for my exams, but they know that I can already manage my studies to get a decent grade (i hope!) if i work hard for it...Expectations are no longer from them, but from myself... Am i giving myself too much pressure? Am i expecting too much of myself? What is this life abt when what i do most of the time is to rush assignments, finishing proj and revision? What comes after this? Yet another rush with work... Perhaps, the only day when i can stop rushing, is the day i retire... and tt's already the final stage of life...

Warlords and the vcd im watching have set me off thinking... What is life? Life is perhaps just another game like Warlords IV, like Heroes IV... Perhaps it's an even more difficult game than these two... The former two have a limited diffculty level, be it King Difficulty or Emperor Difficulty... whatever it is, it's just a computer game, and there's a limitation to how hard it'll be... This game of Life however, isn't anything like them... My opponent is not the computer... They're other people... This is million times worse than online gaming where i play against maybe 10 other people... Now im playing against billion others who are like me... Im already that bad at online gaming... how can i challenge the billion others then? Perhaps, all my naive ambitions are nothing but just a childish dream... Who am I to challenge others anyway? There're at least a billion other people who are more qualified than I am. Whatever I can think of, surely at least one in a billion others can also think of it right? If not, someone in the past, be it a hundred yrs or 200 yrs, would have thought of it too right? What am I thinking, when i say I want to challenge others in inventing? Haven't all the ideas that I have been thought of by people in the past and rejected? And I'm only going thru all these rejections that others have gone, just that I'm not aware of it myself, becuz no one has shown me a failed report except when I failed myself... It's just like the wu3 ling2 da4 hui4 in the vcd... My opponent is someone who has been living many times longer than me, and is someone who's many times more experienced than me... Who am I to compete with him? It's just like me going back to challenge those taking PSLE this year... Naturally I'll be the one dominating right? Is what I am doing correct? Is what I am pursuing correct? Should I continue to pursue until I've proven myself incompetent in my dreams at the expense of large amounts of time and money? Is anyone of my age thinking about his future like I am right now? Many of my friends have their future already secured... their future is bright... Life is just like a dark cave for me... Full of uncertainty, and fraught with danger... Should I choose the path of Light by just sticking to a normal job and go with the others?... and give up my dreams? And in exchange, leaving me with less responsibility to shoulder? Fighting the war alone is really tiring... It's really hard to win when one fights the war alone... How I wish there's someone who understands what I'm doing and shares this load with me... someone, who can truly share my woes, who can truly feel the happiness that I have when I succeed and share my joy... What's the point of winning when one doesn't have anyone to share that joy with?... And this game that I'm playing has no 'Save' option... I can't load the game again when things turn bad... I can't afford to lose the game... Can anyone lose in this game anyway? Is it just a matter of how victorious one is, but in the end, those who works hard will win? And does this game have an opponent? Perhaps, my opponent is myself... my ambitions, my expectations and my dreams... They're all worth pursuing... but without a safety net, are they still worth my pursuit? Should I go all out for it, no matter what happens? I'm not even sure what the outcome will be... Am i better off following the lighted path others have trodden? Perhaps all these do not matter... What determines a winner, is, perhaps, when one finds a good partner... Again, is there a winner in this case? Perhaps this is one of the few cases where either both parties are winners or both are losers... And there is no measure of how victorious one couple is from another... because there is simply no competition here... If one has found a good and suitable partner to spend the rest of one's life, one is a winner already... and with respect to every one of them, he feels that his happiness with his partner is the best... Yes, with a good partner, no matter how ugly life is, it'll still be beautiful... and if the life is smooth sailing, the feeling will be heavenly... Yes, just like what my buddy says, I must find someone who can make my heart smile... Her mere presence, her every actions are enough to brighten my day, physically and emotionally... Just a normal word from her, which may be unfeeling for any other, is worth a thousand bags of gold to me... Perhaps, I'll need someone who can give me the confidence that I need, who can eliminate the sense of inferiority and insecurities within me, even when the sky falls and the earth breaks apart... Who, in this world, can do that for me? When will I meet her? Is that all just another illusion of my mind? Is this possible? Perhaps my greatest dream now, is the pursuit of love, the pursuit of this fantasy love... This is what that's worth my efforts... esp after watching the vcds which really inspire me and touch my heart... I may be mature physically and mentally... but emotionally, perhaps, I'm still a very young boy... a boy who fantasizes about the magic love can give... Or perhaps, this is just yet another empty pursuit, just like my dreams... Well, we will see... I'm not someone who'll stop without trying it out for myself... be it love or my dreams... After all, I believe, i still have a safety net... my friends, my buddy and my family... I love you all!!! Life is perhaps not that bad after all... with you guys around... *Looking forward to a fireworks relationship, but dunno when that will be*

We'll see... We'll see... ... ...